Nothing Better

"Nothing Better"-The Postal Service Album: Give Up

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That your're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And i swear i'll do my best to comply

Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

I feel must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave

So please back away and let me go
I can't my darling i love you so...

Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

I admit that i have made mistakes and i swear
I'll never wrong you again
You've got a lure i can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye

Just Allow Me This...

New York City. The loneliest place on earth. Where all I really want, all I need is to be completed, fulfilled. Where one opportunity, maybe a year, maybe a lifetime would be worth living if only I allowed myself to feel. To let my guard down, to speak my mind, free my soul.. to experience the life I could never envision for myself.

To be noticed, to be savored. Just one chance, one measly opportunity, to finally enjoy my own skin.

But now you wish me invisibility, maybe its easier, maybe its harder. Maybe the fantasy alone makes the real livid, makes what you think this is, actually to be. But its not. Your world is not your fantasy, you have no idea.

If you don't allow me the opportunity , the ability to find out, just tell me now. Leave me be back to that which I knew. Stop testing me to test yourself.

Don't define it. Don’t allow it. Because I know deep that I just know, that I want to be miserable, really miserable because if that’s what it takes for me to be happy.. then allow me that. But let me do it, don't do it to me.

Maybe we should both go our separate ways and we'll be fine.. what if fine isn’t good enough, what if I want extraordinary. Our time is now...

Will I always wonder why I jumped, fallen.. deep.. but you wont even allow me that. Not even for a day... and when I catch a glimmer you take it away.. with your ration... and irony. and excuses...

I guess there are no rules, reasons... or anything that make this all make sense, justified.. reasons saved, lost.. but allow me that-the opportunity to find out, because it may be my only chance..

You don’t understand.. and I cant explain it like I cant explain any of this other stuff, just allow me this... allow me this....

Rose-Colored Love

Love came so easily to her. Instantly. As though it should have been there all along. It was unavoidable and as all true love in her life and experience had been, it was ephemeral.

It was all so brand new, the allure of it all. Sharing life in a way that no one truly understood, but constantly was a judge of. It was comfortable, where blocking out the rest of the world in her life became simple.

They say love blinds you, and it did exactly that. Nothing should have mattered. Nothing did. In her sanctuary she lived, smiled and constantly thought when not in its presence about how lucky she truly was to be in a place she was so fortunate to embrace.

But like all true love in her experience, this too was ephemeral. Convenience turned into obsession, which led her down a road she wished not to travel. She stopped taking care of herself, her needs and that of the one she loved. It wasn't worth it. Conspriracy and the cruelty of the world had all caught up with her, leaving her deaf, dumb to what reality could be. The potential to be something greater, to experience something wiser, to live the life she knew she could but never ventured to try.

So she bid farewell. Packed up her memories, the emotions that went into setting up her abode, the excitement which fulfilled it, the anguish of its treason. For it was love, and will always remain love, but that June evening, she shut the door to her first love and left its blue-haven, rose colored arms and walked away.

Because true love, in her experience had always been ephemeral.

Peace.Gardens.

There is this tiny little garden tucked away in the alleyways of Yokohama, behind the houses, the malls, the hills, just a few steps from the hustle, bustle; it had four little ponds, each with these intricately carved semi-bridges under which blow fish would swim in search of food, and lily pads would float. I used to go there, after school, before I went to buy ice cream, before I studied my algebra or practiced my Japanese and just watch the fish. I'd watch how the tree leaves collided with one another and took in the smell of the flowers. It was so peaceful. I would sing aloud, talk to myself, play pretend and secretly feed the fish when no one was watching. ( we weren't supposed to). One day this couple, they were both probably in their 80's came and sat down on the bridge, their feet dangling over, he took her slipper off and allowed her to get her feet wet. He took one glance at her and she lit up. Completely. As though the fish, the trees the water, the beauty of it all was right there, written on her face. He took her hand, placed it in his and they sat there staring at the water for as long as I was there. Perhaps a few minutes, maybe hours, maybe until the lanterns were lit, or their feet started becoming cold. Perhaps they are still sitting there. But I remember-I stopped thinking, I stopped singing. I just stopped. And embraced that moment for whatever it was worth to me, at twelve. I didn’t know them, I couldn’t understand how they felt, but if ever there was peace in this world, that day. in that garden. I felt it.

And yesterday, if only for a fleeting moment, that woman's glow was finally rekindled.

Kingdoms and Domains.

Living in a creation of an existence. Of a life we were meant to liveBut were we? Or did we create the life we live based on torn promisesand broken hearts? On torn pieces of emptiness and forced apologizes?

Who am I? And why am I whoever I am becoming?Is it for the better? Is it for the worst? Is it at all?Torn between the kingdom and the domain. I want to colorthe clouds and the stars, look up to see shade, look down to see water.

I want to free myself, from myself of myself. Become a version of me that has no history, that is dictated by no fate. A version which allows gratitude, similitude, happiness, and affection. A version like no other version.

But alas I am torn between the kingdom and the domain. One which governs and one which is governing. They be either castles, or huts. Both equally suffocating,equally unreal, unrifled and unbothered.

On the horizon, the divider, the threshold. Paused. Reflected. Blinded. Deafened by the future and the past, but it is in the now where the kingdom becomes the domain and there is no history or future. Where I can be, that version of me.