Patience/Patients

I'm losing patience. Some how I keep hoping and praying and wishing and looking and wanting and needing and now obsessing. Why not? Why the hell not? Why not me?

It seems in recent times, instead of understanding where my life should be going, I've lost track of where I want to go. I no longer know what it is that brought me to this point, this moment, this visceral, blank-slated, naked moment. I don't understand how long my patience will be tested for, how many long winded messages and signs will I wait for until something great happens?

I'm losing patience, in thinking that the person I am meant to spend eternity with is going to be anywhere within 5000 miles of me. It just doesn't seem possible. Years and years and years of trial and tribulation. Makes me wonder, it has to be me.

I've become the version of myself which is foreign, speaks in adages and without any proof to produce in its instance. I rely less and less on technology to be the be all end all solution but rather hope that what needs to be resolved somehow finds a way.

I'm beginning to wonder if those tightly knots ties of friendship really are binding. People grow, lives change-mine did too- but how much stress can or should be play on a relationship's history? How much of an impact did the events of the past affect who we have become?

Do I want too much? Do I ask for too much or am I cursed, by the evil eye of those who don't want good for me. I cant help but wonder, but this isn't the life I should have been living.

Or is it?

I'm losing hope.